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The African Village of Tempeh

This story is fiction and any resemblance to actual persons or situations is purely coincidental. All rights to this and any part of it is reserved by the author, Leonard A. Brand, Jr. , whose pen name is Pete Brand, and no part may be utilized in any way without his written permission.

For present and or prospective members of Alcoholics Anonymous.
“The African Village of Tempeh”
by Pete Brand

Tempeh is an upland African jungle village of about eight hundred people, living on slightly higher ground along the right side of the down flowing Zambezi river in houses that are mostly woven palm sided with odd looking roofs. Some of the village’s houses however are completely different, allegedly designed and built by a man who arrived more than a hundred years ago by air in a strange silent floating round craft that moved in over the village where it stopped dead still and then suddenly seemed to disintegrate causing a fire that destroyed the village’s houses. At that time Tempeh’s population was about three hundred.

The village ‘Tim Tims’ or oral history stories were passed down verbally from the Kings and elders through the decades. The tales describe the odd fair skinned survivor, of what is now referred to as the space ship, as an odd looking individual though by all accounts not unattractive. He was apparently human but did not speak their language at first though he soon mastered the village dialect. In addition to an odd expressionless face he had little hair and only three fingers and a thumb on his left hand. He was injured in the crash and the villagers took him in to lovingly care for him until he told them he was well and got up and began to walk through the village.

The villagers read, write, and speak English taught to them by a traveling Christian church woman who came to them once a week over a period of years.

In those days the villagers’ diet had always been primarily things they could grow, such as various tubers, bananas, plantains, and also a plentiful supply of fish from the river. Their diet contained no refined sugar and almost no fat. Earlier they hunted and ate the meat of jungle animals that were tough and never fat but in time the search for jungle animals for food produced smaller and smaller catches until the hunting gave way to more effort on cultivating agricultural crops. Perhaps as a result of their healthy diet they had no disease, no cancer and many lived to a hundred years of age or more.

The villagers cultivated their food crops on approximately forty acres of rich low land in an area between the houses and the river on the outside edge of a bend of the river where its course turned away from the village. Today they farm more than a hundred acres in that same area because the present King’s first son designed and supervised the building of an earthen wall to deflect the river when it occasionally ‘came down’ in flood. This saved their crops, kept farm land from washing away, and indeed resulted in a small increase in their farmable riverside land each year.

It is two day’s journey southeastward from the village down the Mozambican Zambezi river to a small east coast port village at the northern edge of the river delta. Presently once a month at about the full moon the villagers of Tempeh send their produce to the coast in their engineless cargo lighters towed by the village’s tug boat. The tug was powered by a small fire tube boiler steam engine. Steam was the only practical power for their boat because petroleum fuel was expensive and difficult to get and the surrounding jungle provided an endless amount of wood with which to fire the boiler.

At the port town they sell their goods and buy necessities which are towed back up against the flow of the river.

Peace loving and gentle, the villagers originally had a long standing fear of attack by the inhabitants of a larger village some miles up stream. The war-like people of there would periodically storm into the cluster of houses of Tempeh, throw spears into the huts, chase the villagers off into the jungle and steal anything they fancied, often including the village’s monthly shipment ready to go to the coast. Apparently just for fun these pillagers would often set houses afire as they were ready to depart.

As a precaution the villagers of Tempeh routinely hid food and personal property in the adjacent jungle, safe from these marauders so when the crash of the strange balloon with the stranger in a basket under it unfortunately set the entire village afire they began resignedly recovering their stashed food, and the materials to rebuild their homes.

The stranger the villagers had rescued came to understand their ongoing problems as victims of the upstream marauders. He convinced them to rebuild their houses in a new form that would not yield so readily to the devastation brought by marauders.

To prepare for the new type of village habitation he fashioned some measuring rulers and began directing the construction of many identical wooden gang-forms for molding river clay into blocks six inches wide by ten inches and twenty inches long. He had the villagers dig the thick grey clay from the river’s edge a short distance up-stream and then had them firmly pack it into the forms leaving it until it became set enough to allow the forms to be slipped off. When the resulting clay block was removed from the forms they were immediately repacked making more blocks, and so on.

With perseverance this village-wide cooperative effort soon produced thousands of these formed clay blocks which were stacked carefully onto a growing pile. When enough blocks had been made the entire pile was covered with dry brush and wood and set afire. Wood was added as needed to keep the fire very hot an entire day and night. The result blocks were sturdy strong tile building blocks, brick red, with two four inch square holes in each block.

At their stranger’s behest the boat crew took some young village men to the coast with two cargo lighters to dive on the offshore reefs and bring back several boatloads of the abundant sea coral. When the heavily laden lighters full of coral returned to the village the coral was broken into small pieces and piled in a clear spot. It was then covered with dry wood, and fired overnight as the clay tile blocks had been. When the fire burned out the coral had been reduced to clinkers which were pounded and ground into fine powder. This resulted in a form of cement that when mixed with sand and water, was in fact a mortar, a workable paste used to bind the tile construction blocks together and point the junctions between them.

In time two hundred relatively large single room houses were constructed replacing the old type village houses that had been so easily burned out. Oddly, the design of these houses allowed for no windows or ground level doors. Light and ventilation however was more than ample through the double two inch openings in each of the clay tile blocks. The diurnal temperatures ranged around a comfortable 24 degrees Celsius year around. The lack of doors was meant to provide a defensible detriment to any marauding or invading people and the entrance to each house was gained only via a ladder in front of the house. Hinged at the top by leather straps, each house ladder was raised by rope on wooden pulleys hung from a single boom sticking out over it much like a farm barn in developed countries where such a boom and pulley facilitated the raising and unloading of hay for animals in the barn. The boom was also used to lift any incoming packages up and through the actual doorway at the top of the house’s front wall.

The ladder could be pulled up when for extra safety, at the end of the day and through the night or whenever interlopers might threaten.

The new roofs were a gable design with a pitch of about forty-five degrees. All houses were set with their gable end facing the river. The entrance doorway, at the top of the wall, was a cut in the gable end.

Water for drinking and cooking was hauled up and into the house and poured into a cistern built into the rafters. Baths, clothes washing and dish washing was done down in the river.

Inside the house, opposite the outside ladder’s position, was the inside stairway, in ship’s ladder form from the entrance doorway down to the house floor level.

Roofs were the most vulnerable part of the previously thatched village houses because they were easily set afire by marauders. To obviate the threat of fire igniting the roofs the new roof design was constructed on extra study purlins topped with spent banana tree trunks mashed into a tight waterproof fit. After banana plants produce a stem of fruit, it dies. New shoots at the base of each dying tree provide the next banana tree and the cycle from new shoot to harvested stem was approximately nine months so there was an ample supply for roofing material.

Roofing of banana trunks worked well. The long banana tree logs were laid lengthwise from the roof peak to and past the outside walls. Ample layers of these banana tree trunks mashed into a fit made the finished roof about eight to twelve inches thick and provided a complete protection from rain. The new roofs were even better at resisting the occasional thunderstorm winds. This roofing material didn’t last more than a year or two but it couldn’t burn, didn’t leak, and was not difficult or costly to replace.

The cooking was done in each house on an open fire on a rock wringed spot on an earthen floor. Before the use of the banana trunks for fireproof roofing destruction by fires was occasionally set by the invaders but cook fires also contributed to the starting of accidental fires in the house. With the new wet banana tree trunk roof this danger was eliminated and if an inside fire started such a fire it would actually extinguish quickly because the banana trunks contained sufficient potassium salts which would be released by the heat of a fire and thus act as a very effective fire retardant/fire proofing extinguisher. No village house’s banana roof caught fire and burned after that.

If attacked, the villagers could now shoot arrows at the attackers from inside their houses through the two inch holes in their own tile walls while holding shields in front of them to deflect the enemy’s arrows and spears.

One late night not long after this successful rebuilding of the village the stranger took a ride on the down river trip to the port and never returned.

Before the building of the tile walled houses the villagers, being in constant fear of the raids, tried to figure ways to discourage the raiders. One of these schemes was to catch some of the large jungle dwelling poisonous Gros Tete snakes that lived in the adjacent jungle and keep them in cages in the houses to hopefully deter invaders. It was hoped that once word got around that they had the poisonous snakes in the houses it would discourage the raiders.

Today the village has grown to about four times its old size. The original clay tile walled houses remain intact and the marauders from up river stopped their raids decades ago. New houses were cheaper and easier to build the old way and so most of the village houses are made of wood, bamboo, and woven palm but always with the fireproof banana trunks roofs.

Catching and keeping the Gros Tete snakes became one of the mores of the villagers. Almost every house had a snake.

Through the intervening years there have been different successive village Kings acting as titular heads of the people. The Kings were always revered older men, wise and knowledgeable, who possessed exceptional skills and leadership abilities. The original Kings were appointed by the village elders. The present King, was elected by a democratic vote.

The village families are patriarchal. Large families are traditional and live together. Many of the older families have the large clay tile walled houses that were passed down to them but the majority live in the more conventional houses of wood and woven palm.

The present King retains his family’s tile walled house and the family consists of his wife, four sons, three daughters and two daughters-in-law and many grandchildren. This King’s first, or oldest, very talented son is continually asked not only by his father, but others in the village for assistance and direction in all manner of projects. He is regarded as one of the smartest in the village and wise in his own judgments. He is loved by his family and respected and regularly sought out by the villagers for his many superb talents and willingness to help any who ask.

. It is well known that this son is probably destined to be the next King, but a new problem permeating the village, brought about indirectly from the keeping of the snakes, now affects this elder son.

The villagers knew how to safely capture the deadly snakes. Once caught they fed the reptiles lavishly. Overfeeding had the effect of taming them somewhat and soon they would be deemed even safe enough to be allowed the run of the house. The Gros Tete’s life span was unknown but many captive snakes in the village were nearly fifty years old.

Older, larger snakes became very docile and could grow to about ten or eleven feet. Some were nearly a foot in diameter. Additionally, the village hadn’t had rats or mice since making house pets of these snakes .

About this time a villager discovered that the snake, once it had been fed into becoming quite calm natured, showed no objection to its venom being nudged into a paper covered glass jar from the protruding top fangs in its mouth.

This man secured a small amount of the venom by holding it and stroking the throat. The venom was thus deposited into the glass jar.

Although this experimenting villager only had about a quarter of a teaspoon full of extracted venom he decided to make the trip to the coast to try and find a buyer for it. If there was a market he knew he could produce more.

The trip was a failure. The port town had no sophisticated buyer or demand though some opined that it might be of interest to a laboratory in a large city that wanted to develop an anti Gros Tete snake venom serum.

Disappointed, he slept on the dock with his jar of venom sample, waiting until the tugs departure back to the village. When they started the tug engine to make ready for the journey home the passengers were called to board.

Holding his jar of snake venom, the failed snake venom entrepreneur started to climb on board the tug but he slipped and scratched his index finger. At the same time the paper top of his venom container and spilled venom onto his scratched finger. When he saw this his pulse jumped because he thought he knew he was going to die. He frantically sucked his finger to try and get as much of the poison off as he could, quickly and repeatedly spitting. His tongue became numb and felt strange and he assumed that he would soon die.

He asked the passengers to tell his wife and family he loved them and how he died. But he began to sink into an encompassing haze. His legs became rubber-like and he sank to the deck, his words becoming sluggish and slurred into nonsense. Impatient crewmen, assuming him to be drunk, moved his inert body out of their way and he surrendered, stopped trying to speak, and began to hallucinate. A stupid smile froze on his face as he faded into unconsciousness.

Although the villagers were not heavy drinkers, for decades some had imbibed a little when they journeyed down to the port town. Their original alcoholic drink was always the old native drink made from the bloom of the coconut palm. Milky sap is taken from the flowers of coconut palm trees before the flowers bloom. The sap quickly ferments to become a mildly alcoholic drink. It unfortunately carried with it a fierce hangover. Historically the port town finally brought in beer and whiskey, but these were expensive and the villagers tried them and to a person rejected them as tasting awful. In time the coconut tree brew was almost impossible to find and coconut trees did not prosper up in the village, preferring the low elevation climate of the seacoast.

When the tug and cargo lighters arrived back at the village dock the man who had spilled the venom on is scratch had not died but was still in a stupor. The King’s son directed that he be taken to his own family house. It was assumed by all that he had sampled too much of the stronger drink available down at the seaside bars, but he had not.

Overnight the stupor began to dissolve and the man recovered remarkably, without any after effects. He kept his own council on the events fearing that others would think him stupid and silly, a ‘dodo’ in local slang, but he began mentally to put things together and came up with the conclusion that the stupor had occurred because he had sucked the venom from his spill on his scratch. Though he spit everything out he concluded that it was either the sucking or the venom that went onto his scratch so he quietly set about to cautiously experiment further with the venom.

His first experiment was to put one drop of venom in an eight oz. glass of water and with his serendipitous good luck he had discovered the formula for the perfect party drink. In this diluted form it produced wonderful elation and euphoric feelings, and its effect lasted only a few hours. It didn’t effect his cognitivety. With it he loved a party. It had no taste or odor and marvelously didn’t result in a hangover. Unlike the alcoholic drinks on the coast which when imbibed seemed occasionally to loosen hidden disagreeable personality traits this snake venom drink gave rise only to pleasant serenity. It seemed to have no disadvantages except that no productive work seemed to be accomplished when it had been consumed. There were a couple of disadvantages but these were not evident initially.

Soon the secret got out and the wonder of the venom spread through the village and the use of it very soon became not only universal but acceptable for all but the children.

When a snake had been heavily fed and tamed the harvest of the venom produced only small amounts. Heavy amounts of venom could be extracted from wild snakes. Though this new drink of venom was thought to possibly habit forming it seemed not to be at this time in its growing popularity.

Soon the villagers all knew of the drink and agreed to keep the details of their find secret. So they called it Tippie, never mentioning its source.

The production of Tippie was easy and if the water was clean the mix didn’t spoil.. Exactly sixteen drops in one gallon of water was the formula.

The village mores kept the village’s adults from indulging in more than limited amounts of alcoholic drinks and now also of Tippie.

Word of Tippie soon spread up and down the river. The village council decided to offer it for sale by the gallon in the purchaser’s container at the village’s river dock. It was a commercial success but the supply was limited so sales were limited to Saturdays. Tippie parties in the village, by villagers soon became a popular weekend activity.

Soon however the villagers began to use the entire production so riverfront sales were stopped as they were unable to produce much.

Occasionally an individual would succumb to a habit of excessive imbibing and they were dubbed Dodos. Dodos were birds that decades ago used to fly in and land along the river front of the village. They were soon extinct because they did not fly away when the village children threw stones at them, and they were usually killed. The children would bring their kill home where they were put in family cook pots.

Unfortunately the King’s oldest son began to show signs of secret excess of Tippie. No secret is safe in a close knit village and sometimes when he would walk through the village some of the children would call out “Dodo”.

An old village saying was “Everyone will always get to know.”, and it was true.

Soon it was indeed village gossip.

Up to then the King’s son was revered throughout the village and his council sought on almost any subject. Additionally he was the chief coxswain of the villages cargo boats but the rumors grew. He managed the trips as coxswain without any obvious problem but some of the helpers on the boats began to whisper their worries about his excessive indulgence in Tippie.

Finally the village elders called a secret meeting, excluding the King and his first son, to talk about the problem. The persons that sat this special meeting then sent word to the King that they wished his and his first son’s appearance before them.

Both came and were told of the purpose of the meeting. The first son was thanked for his good and dedicated service to the village and he was informed of their wish for him to accede to a designated replacement coxswain. Following his father out, he left the meeting stern faced.

He was privately crestfallen, his whole family was devastated. At first he chose to ignore the developments but stayed at home. The family lamented the ingratitude of those of the special council but they also recognized that the first son was not eating well and in fact was suffering from the suddenly disclosed second and most deadly shortcoming of Tippie, the gripping ‘habit’ of over imbibing which seemed virtually impossible to shake.

The rare emotional conflict with not only his wife but his father and mother seemed to cause his increased use of the Tippie and though the drink was not considered dangerous to ingest, it certainly seemed to have all of the characteristics of danger when used in excess.

Soon, in his natural consideration for his family’s anguish he went off into the jungle with a couple of bottles of Tippie and hid, saying to his family in his departure note that he didn’t wish to cause them further pain. That note only increased the families pain.

Although the King’s son was extremely knowledgeable and talented he had not brought any food with him and the jungle did not contain sources of food near the village.

A few days later he appeared out of the jungle and went straight down to the village boat dock. He then approached his long time friend who was now the reluctant replacement coxswain. His friend allowed him to hide on the tug and travel on the month’s regular trip to the coast where he again disappeared.

His situation became known to the family and the village and since the problem was one that was not generally understood some well meaning friends suggested that the family carry the snake out of his Father’s house and release it back into the wild but the children loved the snake, this wasn’t the snake’s doing and the King thought the suggestion ill advised and he refused.

Communication with the port town other than actually journeying there was nil. After a fortnight and no word, his parents and family were suffering extreme anguish and fear that he might have died, or left the port city for unknown destinations. With his parents and family in an increasing state of anguish, the King stopped fulfilling his own village duties and even stopped leaving the house. His mother had the burden of worry about the King and their daughter-in-law as well as their son. The son’s wife seemed to be the strong one in the house valiantly tending to the needs of the family, the younger children, and still hiding the depth of her own pain.

Finally the king stopped eating much and didn’t leave his favorite chair in the day or his bed at night.

Then a monthly boat journey to the port was to leave the dock the next day. The missing son’s best friend along with the next oldest sibling, without telling of their plan, booked passage to the port town to find him. If they could find him they planned to bring him home, by persuasion or force, after which they planned to hold him in his house as long as necessary if he didn’t agree to settle down. If Tippie was the cause of his behavior they thought they would hold him until all of the Tippie was out of his system.

Down at the port the first son was finally located. He was not in any stupor from the booze or the results of drinking Tippie, but was ill from nutritional depravation. He looked terrible. They told him they had come to take him home, but embarrassed he simply refused to return with them. The first son’s best friend was a tall powerful man and the first son’s next oldest brother was strong as well so they decided to grab him, tie him up, and bring him home by force.

They found him again, overpowered him, bound him in a rug from the waist up. He was furious but so weak that he was easily subdued.

Before they reached back up to the village he convinced his two captors that he would do as they asked if they would untie him. They did and then cautiously escorted him to the family house and his father. He bent down and hugged his father and told him he wouldn’t leave their home again but that he really just wanted to die. This seemed so out of character that his entire family was shocked and scared.

Standing in front of his sitting father he began to sway and found a chair and managed to sit down.

“Son,” his father started softly.

“I can take care of myself, Father.” He responded quickly.

Without another word his father got up out of his chair and looked over for a long moment at his first son. The King’s eyes were wet with tears as he softly patted his son’s shoulder and turned and walked to the ship’s ladder and climbed up to the top, stepped through the door and descended the outside entrance ladder.

The King stood for a moment looking blankly at the river. His wife followed him. She stopped in front of him reached out and gripped his arm.

“Couldn’t you have told him welcome home?” she said in a slightly agitated pitch, “That you love him and want him to be with all of us and not to leave again?” her tone more agony than annoyance, more pleading than demanding.

“I tried,” he started and after a long moment he said, “He’s home. He’ll stay now. Fix him some food and put him to lie down. He needs rest to make him well again.”

“You need to send him to the Dodos,” she said softly.

“He won’t go,” the King replied.

“You’re afraid,” she declared as though she just thought of it. “You’re afraid that if you tell him anything he needs to hear about getting himself straightened out you will lose him. That he will leave and you’ll never see him again.”

He didn’t answer for a moment and then slowly said, “Yes, I am afraid. Let his wife talk to him. She’s the most important to him now.”

“If she fails, then we will try,” she said thoughtfully, looking out at the river. “That’s when we must not fail. If it isn’t too late, because, you know our son, he is too totally self assured to recognize any such problem in himself.”

“This is true, this is true,” his father seemed to muse aloud. “But, I am just scared to death to push him, and you don’t want to. But we must. We will.!”

Nothing more was said except that she asked if this was his wish and he said yes.

She turned and climbed back up the house ladder.

They needn’t have worried. Their son stayed in the house as he promised and soon he was restored to good health. Everyone in the family house was solicitous and loving and he did more than his share of the family chores. He also began to go out and walk around the village nodding and speaking pleasantly to everyone he passed. People responded pleasantly but no one asked him for help or advise or to even chat. None seemed to wish more than to exchange a greeting. Once a couple of little boys called “Dodo” after him and he winced but continued on.

In the family house they played warri, the old Sudanese Arabic game played with large seeds on a rectangular board. He played most games with his two rescuers who came regularly to the house offering continuing support.

As the King seemed to recover from a troubling depression he again assumed his roll as the village’s King and everything seemed normal but still no one suggested jobs or duties for his first son. The King tried to ignore it and wait out the normalizing of the situation but no one seemed ready to welcome the first son back to normalcy.

The first son finally confessed to his two friends that he was terribly depressed and he wasn’t sure what the cause was but that it was keeping him from sleeping and was making him anxious and maybe thinking of getting some Tippie to make him less nervous and anxious. The expressed thought filled them with dread and after consulting with his parents and wife the two who had rescued him told him of the small group in the north end of the village who called themselves the Dodos, themselves over indulgers of Tippie who were attempting to help other over indulgers of Tippie.

“I guess I know I need someone beside you two to talk to about it,” he told them. He didn’t mention his parents or wife. “Don’t say anything to anyone but will you two take me to the Dodos and introduce me?”

They did and he was warmly welcomed into the group, stayed through a meeting and found it non-threatening and helpful. The first son’s two supporters agreed to attend some meetings along with him so that they could continue to talk about it at home.

It was then that the area weather turned to thunderstorms and a stronger storm than usual in the uplands caused the river to ‘come down’ more fiercely than the normal flash floods. The diverting dam he had designed and put in at the up river side of the farm diverted the river enough to save the crops, but the tug, lighters, and the whole end of the pier was washed away. The villagers soon located the tug and two of the lighters on a river sand bar about half a mile down stream. The lighters were spared serious damage but the tug had a long gash in its bottom. It could not be floated back to the village where a system of short round logs were used to pull their boats up on the bank for dry dock work. This was a quandary. The work would have to be done where the tug floundered and beached. The replacement coxswain was inexperienced in matters like this and he declared himself unable to tackle such a job, telling the villagers that the King’s number one son was the only one they should call and so they did.

Delighted to be asked to help, the King’s son had the log rollers bundled, tied together and floated down the river to the place where the tug was aground. The logs were lined up and used to roll the tug further up on the dry part of the sand bar where the tug’s bottom was properly repaired and the tug made seaworthy. The successor coxswain was then called to come back down and retrieve the tug but when he began building up the fire for steam it was discovered that some damage to the engine had occurred and it couldn’t function. Again the coxswain didn’t know what to do so they again called upon the first son, and he soon had the problem fixed.

It was as though a dark wet wrap that had been covering the first son had been snatched away and his world was suddenly brightening again. He quietly thanked his parents, his wife, and his two rescuers for putting up with his behavior. He confessed also that he owed a lot more than he realized to the little village group of Dodos. He kept up his attendance, never missing a meeting and later began to help others join the group for their own escape from the grip of the addiction of the Tippie as his own continued meeting had secured his ultimate cure.

The End

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“The Old Folks Smoke It For Asthma”

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories          Back when we had been on the island for less than a year and I had begun building Island House Hotel, I drove up there every weekday to supervise the construction, and drove back down every afternoon. We were staying at Morne Gay estate at the time.

I started down the road but stopped when I saw Willis Rolle standing on the side, making signs that he wanted a ride.

He was an ancient old man who had sold us the twenty-three or so acres that constituted the upper two thirds of his estate. He maintained that it was so he could live next to “Strangers” as he called us. I was giving him a “vep” to town. He clearly thought of himself as the upper crust when being compared with the Watten Waven villagers.

“What do you have there in that package, Mr. Rolle?”

“Drugs!” he answered in a conspiratorial tone after he closed the truck door.

I started on down the hill.

At the next straight stretch I looked quickly, and briefly, over at the package he held in his hand. One had to keep eyes on this twisty road every second. It was a common practice on the island to wrap almost anything in a leaf. Packing material cost money, and was always in short supply. The favored wrap was the large elephant ear shaped leaves of what was called dachine. Reasonably strong and as soft as kid, it was an Alocasia (araceae), its nutritious tuber is the same one used in Hawaii to make Poi.

“What kind of drugs, Mr. Rolle?”

“Drugs, drugs,” he repeated. He was a very old, very frail man but he spoke with authority. “The old folks smoke it for asthma.”

I smiled to myself. “Yeah, asthma,” I thought, “Sure, asthma.”

I did not know anything about marijuana; not even what it looked like. I had been told, however, that it was not illegal on the island. It was not.

All I could see was the tips of leaves wrapped in a dasheen leaf. The packet was about the size of a big Idaho potato, and it was tied with strands of Musa Textilus, the banana plant whose fibers are what are used to make Manila hemp ropes.

“I could use some for my asthma, Mr. Rolle,” I tried, “Can you get me some?”

“Yes, yes. Next week, I will get some for you. When you give me a “vep” on Friday I will have it for you.”

Mr. Rolle always felt he had to have some leverage. This time it was for the ride.

True to his word, the old gentleman met me at the edge of his property when I was driving down at the end of Friday’s work. He was dressed for town in a neatly ironed old suit that looked as though he might have gotten it to celebrate the end of slavery or Haley’s first sighting of the comet. He had the small package of drugs in his hand.

Margie and the children were up in the States and I had already determined to try the drugs up at Morne Gay. It was an opportune time. I was reasonably sure that she would not be overjoyed at my experiment.

I took the package from Mr. Rolle and immediately felt prickles of guilt, despite the fact that it was not illegal in Dominica. I quickly stuck the package under the seat, shoving it way back so that it was very unlikely to be seen. I found myself actually nervous.

Morne Gay estate was located south of the Capitol and was about the same height as Island House’s 1500 or so feet. You had to drive through Roseau and then south along the coast before climbing up toward Giraudel. It was a charming, lovely spot on the knuckle of a terminating ridge overlooking the vast Caribbean. The Estate House was probably a kit house from Britain. Back when colonizing was in full swing one could buy a kit, or manufactured house and have it sent to the far-flung reaches of the empire for assembling. They were quite attractive and practicable and one sees them in almost every place the British colonized. Similar old frame houses can be seen in south Florida although they are not necessarily kit houses.

That evening in the privacy of our bedroom I searched for an unfinished pack of Margie’s cigarettes. I did not smoke at that time but it occurred to me that if I carefully took out the tobacco and left the filter I could re-stuff it with the leaves and have a reasonable chance of it being smokeable.

Cigarettes found! Tobacco removed! Drugs repacked! I was ready to get “Turned on”.

Annie and Virgin Benjamin, the housekeepers, kept messing around in the kitchen, chatting and clanking dishes. I thought they should have ducked out to their quarters by now but they were still there. It would not be politic to suggest that they quit work earlier than necessary so I waited impatiently in the bedroom, scanning a two-week-old TIME magazine.

They finally went to their room and I dashed across our bedroom to the dressing table with its variously angled mirrors and quickly turned on all its lights. Eagerly, albeit nervously, I lit the little cigarette and undertook to take a deep drag. I immediately coughed like a tubercular patient.

After recovering from the cough, and checking to see that the housekeepers had not popped out of their room to see what in the world was the matter, I re-lit. Smaller drags worked and after several I glared nervously into each of the several mirrors, examining my eyes. No dilation; yet.

“It is rather pleasant, though,” I thought. “The old folks smoke it for asthma? Sure asthma!”  I laughed out loud as though it was the way it should affect me.

I had to confess to myself that one cigarette was not enough, but I had completely lost my nerve and decided that I would let the bloody damned leaves dry some more and when Margie came back I would suggest she join me in a re-try. Maybe. I had to think about that some more.

I still felt like a lawbreaker and I did not want to leave the incriminating evidence in the house so I went out and secreted the remainder of the leaves in a hole on the garden wall.

I slept very well and awoke the next morning to hear our landlord, Clem’s Landrover outside. He was seeing to a couple of his cows.

I made a snap decision and ran out to the wall and removed the leaves from their hiding place. I then moved casually over to Clem who was sitting in his ‘Rover, making notes on a pad.

“Clem? Have you ever seen this before?” I asked, affecting a benign look.

“Yes,” he smiled, “That’s Rosemary. It’s a garden herb. The old folks smoke it for asthma.”

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The Brown Sugar Mystery

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories          The only shop in the village, a half-mile or so below the hotel was Ma Nicko’s. Ma was short for Madam. It was about eight feet wide and eight feet deep and did not have a vast amount of things to sell. Her husband, Nicholas Mitchell, was the owner-driver of the only truck in the village; in fact, it was the only vehicle. Like almost all of the trucks on the island, it had a chassis, engine, and transmission system from England with a cab and body made locally of wood.

Nicko charged the villagers for “transport” to and from town. Saturdays were the big days when Nicko might make as many as three trips down the mountain. This was the day when the produce market was most active. Originally it was down town on the waterfront by the post office and later at the new market place by the Roseau River mouth. The loads were as much farm products as people and the return trips brought things that the villagers bought or traded for in town.

I noticed that Nicko seemed to bring bags of raw sugar up almost every week. The bags were huge. I was told they were the standard size for brown sugar and they weighed 212 pounds.

Nicko lifted them off the truck with ease and took them into his wife’s shop. He had been a woods sawyer, hand-sawing planks from felled trees in the forest. This sawing required one man on top and one on the bottom of huge logs, rolled onto a makeshift sling, each pulling a two man saw by the hour. He had muscles like a gym man.

I asked several times who used all that much sugar but never got an answer. I was only mildly curious and did not pursue it. However, one day I was sitting on the verandah side of the hotel dining room talking to Joe Christopher, our majordomo, when I saw a small wisp of smoke on the hill to the left.

“Joe, do you see that smoke up there? Does someone live up there? I thought I knew where everyone in the village lived.”

“No, that’s a still up there.”

I had an immediate picture of one I had seen on the other coast where bay oil is distilled. Dominica produced more of the cosmetic oil from Bay trees than any other place in the world.

“I didn’t know there was any bay growing over here.”

“That’s moonshine up there, not bay oil,” he smiled.

“Oh! …And I’ll bet they use “brown sugar”,” I smiled back.

“Yes, it’s that they use.” Joe said.

“Is it licensed?”

Joe looked at me, incredulity showing clearly in his face.

“But the license only cost $50. BeeWee (British West Indian Dollars about $15 US),” I said, defensive of my question. Francis Brown had told me that, and he runs Dominica Distilleries.

“They say they make it cheap,” Joe explained in a slightly exasperated tone, “so everyone will buy the license but all government wants to do is mess with them. They use old radiator grills and junk copper pipe, but they’re careful. It never hurt any of us. Government would shut them down, oui.”

He is right, I thought, but government is more right.

I agonized over it for a while but finally decided to keep out of it. Being a guest in the house is not always easy.

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Gus Smith’s First Haircut

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories          When August (Gus) Smith came to Dominica to settle at the end of W.W.II he was not unfamiliar with the island. His parents had come for the winter over many years, renting a house and escaping the cold weather of their home in Maine.

On his return, this time on his own with his wife, Robbie, he intended to stay. The plan was to open a lumber and construction business with a service buddy.

After a month or two Robbie reminded him that he was due for a haircut. Gus had soft straight hair, which he kept reasonably short as was required in the service. He asked around and learned that an officer of the Royal Dominica Police Force had a small shop where he cut hair on his off time.

Bengie, the part-time barber had his shop only a block away from Gus’ new “Smith & Lord” business headquarters, so it was no trouble for Gus to check on the barber’s business hours.

Gus was Bengie’s first be’ke’ tonsorial contract, and Bengie was Gus’ first Dominican barber.

All went well, and one of Bengie’s secrets of success was disclosed to Gus in the process; several shots of local rum and lots of conviviality. Gus left delighted except for one small thing that could be dealt with on future visits.

He was grinning as he left the shop. He walked briskly down the narrow street to the next corner, and with an embarrassed grin wished a good morning to a couple of people along the way. At the corner he crossed the street to his new business location.    Inside, Robbie looked up from her new desk. Gus spread his arms out showing his palms, grinning broadly.

“Well, how do I look?”

“Gus! What in the world?”

“I know, I know, but he knows now, and he won’t do it again. I thoroughly enjoyed the visit.”

“But, that’s awful!”

“I said he wouldn’t do it again. He hadn’t had a white man in his shop before so he thought he was supposed to cut the part in with the clippers. It will grow out.”

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Frogs

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories Dominica is famous for its giant land frogs which deposit their eggs in foam hidden in hollows or cranies but not in water. They are found nowhere else. The French, in the early days of colonization, found them delicious. Early settlers, however, unable to find tadpoles in water, made the mistake of identifying them as toads rather than frogs. They were therefore called crapauds. Crapaud is pronounced CRAP-oh, or CWOP-oh, and this name does not immediately endear them to the visitors, so Dominicans learned to call them Mountain Chicken. The local residents rave about the frogs but only under the name Mountain Chicken, and the articles about the island emphasize the fact that they are only found here and how good they are. As a result most visitors expect or insist that the hotels have them on the menu.

The Crapaud is almost entirely edible and save for the head and entrails is served sautéed in butter, with just the slightest bit of garlic, because there is no fishy taste to conceal.

It is not served whole, however. The tale is told of the serving of one whole, sans head, to a lady guest in a hotel (other than ours). In this condition it looks like a beheaded little person with rather disproportionately large, muscular legs. The woman is said to have exploded from the table and run screaming from the dining room.

They are usually, therefore served as individual parts rather than the whole frog. The explanation to visitors of what they really are is often reserved for the next day’s denouement.

To my knowledge there are no frogs on any of the other islands. The French tried to introduce breeding stock to the adjacent French islands but that was never successful. Naturally, we brag about the crapaud to our visitors and guests.

As a result of our conditioning on the subject Margie and I were surprised and amused at an incident that occurred on Martinique during one of our down-island visits.

Going to Martinique from Dominica is much like country folk going to New York City. Martinique is a beautiful, bustling, very French, province of the mother country and is sheer delight, especially if one is fortunate enough to have wonderful friends there.

Our dearest friends in Martinique are Philippe and Loiza Lachesnez-Heude. Young, attractive, urbane, and members of the old landed families, he is Managing Director of the local operation of an international firm and she is Managing Director of their family owned insurance agency.

On this occasion we were dining at the Martinique Hotel; a government run training school for hotel employees in the low hills above Fort de France, the capitol. I noted that one of the offerings on the menu was frog legs.

“Philippe? Where do they get these frog legs; the United States?”

“No, Pete, they come from France.”

“I didn’t know they had frogs in France,” I replied, surprised.

“Oh, Pete,” Philippe answered with an amused grin, “France is full of frogs.”

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Hot Peppers

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories          We had been invited to an old country estate in Martinique for Sunday dinner. It was well worth the trip.

Martinique still has many of the original estate houses built by the French Colonists in a time when slave ownership was universal and Carib Indian raids were common.

This was the home of the patriarch of one of the eleven original families of power in this province of France. Although the architecture of the main house is based on French Regency it was not elaborate or noteworthy except for its place in the history of the island. Placed on a rise, as most of these old places were, its original gardens were beautiful copies of lovely European designs. Early crops of sugar, and later pineapples, have given way to the commercial growing of flowers. The original gardens have, in a sense, been expanded to incorporate the many hectors that make up the estate.

The estate had become known for lavish Sunday dinners of banquet proportions. The dining room was at the north end of the large main room, which was enclosed by two-foot thick walls of ancient masonry and two story high ceilings, vaulted with native hardwoods hewn to rafter shape.

The dining table was eight meters or more long and sat two dozen people; our host at one end, his wife at the other.

Petit Punches, a Martinique favorite, made with old rum, sugar, and “Petite citron”, or lime, on the rocks, preceded the meal. As a savory, hard-boiled tiny domesticated Chinese quail eggs, exquisitely seasoned, were offered. The quail were kept in an out-building in dozens of cages designed like chicken cage-egg-operations cages, but a quarter the size.

When we sat down for the meal a large baked Amberjack, on a larger platter, was produced for each end of the table. At the center of the table, among many other things, was a small platter of various types of fresh hot peppers. The guests, all from Martinique except for Margie and me, each took one or two of the peppers and as I watched each diner began to slice small slivers of the hot pepper to place on the fork with the bite of fish. The smell of the peppers was enticing so I dutifully sliced the end off of a rather large light green pepper, then cut a very thin sliver and placed it on my fork with my next designated bite of fish.

I was anticipating this gastronomic delight when our host suddenly raised his hand in my direction and said, “No, no, Pete! You are not accustomed to our Pima. Let me show you.”

I watched as he took a pepper like the one I had taken and sliced the end off of it just as I had. However, he then took a wedge of lime, squeezed it into the open end of the pepper after which he tipped the pepper so that the limejuice poured back out onto the fish. “That will be enough for you,” he smiled.

I did as I was instructed, grateful to have been saved from scorched tonsils, but when I took that next bite, with just the “seasoned” lime juice I felt my whole mouth steam from the heat of that pepper. The burning spread through my mouth like a large sip of sulfuric acid. I dove for the ice water and looked up to see true sympathy on my host’s face.

“I’m so sorry, Pete. Maybe you should forego the Pima; you think?’

I nodded, yes, smiling. My eyes were watering and I had a large chunk of ice in my mouth, which made speech difficult at the moment.

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The peepareet

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories We had no screen on most of the downstairs of our residence, the Tree House. Our hotel rooms were all screened, as was the main building because tourists expected it.

The only mosquito we had was a small bush mosquito that, to our great relief, went to bed when it got dark. Unlike mosquitoes almost everywhere else, these little fellows were in low numbers and never seemed to be troublesome. One reason, however for screening our bedroom at the Tree House was to keep the vast array of moths from troubling us while we read in bed.

Our night-lights drew moths from the adjoining forest and they came in seemingly endless varieties. There were small ones with the most exquisite coloration and large ones that looked as though they were designed by the same engineers that perfected the latest jet fighters. They had rocket shaped bodies with sweptback wings that seemed insufficient to support flight. The British called them Hawk Moths.

We had a couple of visiting professors from the U of Puerto Rico who found them fascinating and often unidentified.

Each morning the night-lights of the Tree House were surrounded by perhaps a dozen moths that had been drawn to the lights over the night.

Two birds seemed to like our house. The Trembler, or, Tromblay, in Creole; (Cinclocerthia ruficauda). A medium sized brown bird that favors rain forests and is found only in the eastern Caribbean islands, the Trembler did the job of a tropical woodpecker by peeling off mosses to find insects instead of hammering holes in trees. His strange characteristic of shaking almost all of the time gave him the name; it did, indeed seem that he was always trembling. The Trembler was people friendly and nested, unafraid, in our exposed ceiling. Our ridge cap was galvanized iron and formed a tunnel of sorts at the peak of the ceiling and it was in this that the Trembler liked to nest; a new nest each year. She had a ring of neon yellow around each eye and it would come to the edge of our room and look down at us if we were reading in bed during the daytime. Those neon eyes and a longish curved beak made her look a little bizarre, but we always considered her a sort of wonderful, never fully approachable, feathered pet who seemed happy to be sharing quarters with us.

The other bird was the local variety of Kingbird that Dominicans called a Peepareet. James Bond, the authority on Caribbean birds, in his book Birds of the West Indies, terms it the Tropical Kingbird (tyrannus melancholicus) or, in Creole, Pipiri Jaune.  He was about the size of a mocking bird and was various shades of gray with yellow underparts becoming greenish in the chest. This was another people friendly type and every morning he sat about ten feet out on the electric wires that brought power to our house.

One morning we tried picking up a moth from around the night-lights and throwing it toward the peepareet. The bird immediately flew from its perch and snapped up the fluttering moth in mid air. The peepareet had an unusual jaw noise that gave an audible snap when the bird clamped its mandibles on the moth and this encouraged the children to feed it almost every morning after that. We were grateful that the peepareet was well fed and it also helped keep the house cleared of the moth accumulation.

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Dress Code

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories Our housekeeper at the Tree House lived in a small room at the southeast corner of our home. The entrance was from the outside and to come to work she would have to go outside and walk around to the front steps and enter. For emergencies there was a small door at the foot of the bathtub that allowed for alternative entrance. Since we did not wish that door to be used except when the weather was very wet and windy the latch was on our bathroom side of that wall.

Late one night when we had been asleep for long enough to be hard to wake up I thought I heard the housekeeper calling my name. After listening for a minute I heard it again and this time I knew there was no mistake.

As I have explained the passage to and from the second floor at our house was a ship’s ladder built of local wood, at the top was a trapdoor that we could latch from there.

I went to the trapdoor, lifted it up and, kneeling down, poked my head, upside down, through the hole to have a look. I heard the cries and then saw a slim, medium height, black man wearing dark trousers and a bright yellow and brown patterned shirt with a set of red bands running up and down on one side and across the stomach perpendicular to that. He was in the doorway to our kitchen, through which one had to pass to get to the bathroom. An outside night light dimly illuminated the area.

I recognized the person as Dennis Jean Baptiste, a young, rather mild individual who was borderline in good worker qualities and who seemed to have a problem with alcohol.

My immediate thought was anger at his intrusion into my house, and second that he was undoubtedly boozed and, losing his judgment, being led there by his young hormonal desire for the housekeeper.

I straightened up and started backing down the steps of the ladder. I did this without thinking about getting a gun. I knew this boy and his lack of judgment and that he was not a danger to anyone, except perhaps a young defenseless girl.

By the time I got to the bottom and turned to “Put hell on him” he was half way down our walk to the pool, running away fast. In another moment he disappeared in the dim light.

We consoled the girl and the next morning I put in a police report, asserting positive identification of Dennis.

“But, Sir,” the young officer who was taking the report said, “You said you didn’t see his face. How can you be sure that this was that Dennis Jean Baptiste?”

“I was there, believe me, it was him.”

“I will put that in my report, Sir,” the officer replied, but he was clearly doubtful.

Later Margie asked me how I could be sure.

“Damnit, Honey, if you show me a tree or an orchid in our garden, and it doesn’t have a bloom on it I can still tell you what it is. It is an over all identification and that was Dennis in there.”

The next day we were driving to town and we saw Dennis up ahead. As we passed him he waved to us as though nothing was wrong. He was one of the villagers who was known to have a place to stay in town and often spent the night down there.

“He appaarently doesn’t even remember the incident. He was probably drunk as you say,” Margie observed. “He looked happy and innocent.”

We drove along for another mile when I saw Dennis up ahead again. Of course, it could not be Dennis but there he was. I continued until I was almost on him and must confess to a certain feeling of discomfiture while figuring that this could not be Dennis. The fact is that the shirt the man ahead wore was the same as the one Dennis always wore. I then realized that one often recognized the villagers by their clothes at a distance. Each had a distinctive and limited wardrobe and Dennis had always worn that yellow shirt with the bands. Now there was a second such shirt on a boy that was about the same size, but I could see this was not Dennis.

I called the Police and withdrew my positive identification.

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“Sharks, Sharks!”

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories          Quite a number of us were returning from Antigua race week, a wonderful, once a year event held two islands north of Dominica. We were on John Fleek’s thirty-foot sloop, Intermezzo. Tommy Coulthard was sailing in tandem on his Rita-of-Ross; a factory built fiberglass version of the prize winning Yachting World, ‘Diamond’ design.

We had all been partying the night before so we left English Harbor late for such a leg but arrived at dusk in Deshailes Bay on the northwest coast of Guadeloupe, the French island about thirty miles north of Dominica.

John, in his cups, insulted the little urchins who rowed out to see if there was some scam they could pull on us so we were afraid to leave the boats untended to go ashore for dinner. Our oldest was over the side swimming in the dark water and I did something like humming the background thumping noise from “Jaws” that made him uneasy so he climbed back in the boat.

A drink or two later I, too decided to take a swim beside the boat and eased myself into the black water. I was having second thoughts about what might be under me in the darkness when I was suddenly grabbed in an angry jarring vice-like grip on the lower leg. It was unyielding and unbelievably frightening. With the fuel from about five gallons of adrenaline I imitated the latest launching of a cruise missile from a submarine, rising, so they said, out of the water to a level above the sloop’s deck.

Naturally, it was eldest son, Pete, getting even by using a plastic lined ‘Y’ shaped boathook to simulate the hungry bite of a large shark. It took a stiff drink to get me back to my previous comfort level but, after all, I had started it.

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“My Shallot”

CoverX300_TwentyYearsInTheCaribbean_CaribbeanIslandStories After Hurricane David (August 1979, the most powerful of this century’s hurricanes to that date) passed through and over us I was alone and stranded in vast array of uprooted tropical forest trees. They were draped like jackstraws over the ravaged land surrounding our destroyed and partially destroyed buildings. I was destined to be there for five weeks. Fortunately, the rest of the family were up in the states at this time.

At dawn on the day of the storm the wind came up and within an hour it was howling. When the inexorable clamor finally ceased late that afternoon I had forfeited most of my reserve of emotional strength. Peering through a crack at the height of the storm I saw our house up on the ridge one minute and a few minutes later it was gone; everything—gone—vanished! The rest of my emotional reserve was eroding in the next few days as I forced myself to examine the site of our former home and personal possessions and what remained of the hotel and greenhouses. I found myself at once numbed, and angry. Any accumulation of tears was impossible because there seemed to be no check valve on the reserve pouch.

After a few days I began to work on recovery; of the property and myself.

Most of the adult villagers were on our payroll. When the storm was coming I tried to impress on them the threat that a hurricane poses. There had not been one on the island for about forty years and they could not grasp its destructive, life threatening capabilities. I offered to shelter them and their families with me in the main building which I reckoned would survive any storm, and when reports indicated the storm’s certain arrival I had gone to town and purchased food to tide us over for a day or two after the storm’s passage.

I certainly did not anticipate fully the events that followed.

The village had a few bad people; young would-be criminals. Intimidation on the island is alarmingly easy to accomplish and the threat of robbery at the hands of the bad element forced all of the villagers to stay with their homes rather than taking refuge with me at the hotel. I was not there to argue the point; to persuade them. They just did not show up at the beginning of the storm.

During the storm, as every last one of their little shack houses flew away in the increasing winds, they told me they lay on the ground, head to the wind, with their children sheltered as best they could under them. Some had their clothes blown from their bodies. It had to have been frightening and dreadful. One man died; hit by a flying board.

Island House was almost leveled, however, the estate house for Watten Waven Estate three quarters of a mile below us survived. It had been built into the end of an old mill set in a slightly better protected ravine and remained reasonably intact. The homeless villagers therefore moved further down the road to it for shelter. The bad element, however, like hyenas, crept up to our perimeter seeking things to steal. Fearful of the night, they watched from a distance during all parts of the day trying to judge my whereabouts. They scattered when I fired a shotgun load over their heads into the stubs of leafless trees still partially standing. The splat of the load was always impressive.

A strategic portion of the road to town had slid into the ravine and would take weeks of bulldozer work to reestablish. Certainly there were more urgent priorities in town so we would be cut off, perhaps for months.

The villagers were in a state of shock but food was airlifted to them by helicopter. A friend, who was the counselor officer from the US Embassy in Barbados, steered one of the helicopters up to me and gave me a present of flour, and a carton of US Army field rations. I traded the flour to the villagers for rice for our two dogs.

The dogs alerted me whenever the baddies intruded. I slept in twenty to thirty minute segments so as to properly guard our property.

Early on I noticed that the tiny farm hut across the river up from us had been quickly rebuilt. I always knew it was there but had never seen it or its occupant because of the tropical forest growth. I had been told that the fellow there was all right. A few days later a young Dominican came up into the parking lot. He called to me from a distance. He was tall, muscular, and reasonably neatly dressed. I watched him from cover. I came out onto the front steps, my shotgun in hand.

“I am James, from across the river,” he announced. He was pleasant of face and looked somehow out of place living in the bush. After some exchanges of information about the storm’s effects on the countryside, and relying on the appraisal of his character I had received earlier from trusted employees, I invited him in.

He immediately informed me that he usually lived in town but here he had several plots of Marijuana. He referred to the pot as ‘weed’. He explained that some of the villagers had robbed him just before the storm and he was on the lookout for any further attempts to purloin his crop. The fact that I had grown a couple of marijuana plants before the law against it was passed must have erroneously identified me as a fellow lawbreaker who therefore offered no threat.

“And, even if they come up to my garden I have my shallots” he explained carefully. He pronounced shallots with the last syllable emphasized as was often done on the island; Sha-LOTTS.  I was having a little difficulty understanding him and was doubly puzzled as to the benefits offered by the possession of shallots. He continued to repeat his reliance on “My shallots”.

James left and I did not see him for a couple of days until he returned to ask if I had been able to contact anyone. I had told him of my failed attempts to set up a short-wave radio.

“Anyone trouble you since I saw you, James?”

“No, but I’m not worried, I have my shal-lots.”

“What is so special about your shallots?” I asked, my curiosity overcoming my reluctance to pry.

“What shallots?”

“The ones you say will protect you?”

“Mahn, I not understanding you, nuh,” he said, obviously puzzled.

“You said your shallots.”

He shook his head in the negative.

“You said you were not worried because, as you said, ‘I have my shallots’, James.”

“Oh, oh, oh!” he laughed. “Eh, eh, Mr. Brand, you’re not taking me on, nuh, Sir. I said I had ‘Marshal Arts’! I know karate too.” The way he pronounced Karate sounded like Bugs Bunny’s favorite vegetable made into a tea, but I did not point that out to him.

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